To enter the waters of ones own emotion mind once more, to see with honest eyes, to remove all judgement. The truth is you thought you were acting in the best of your abilities but unseen things were at play for one reason or another. That is not to be disputed, you were younger, more naive than you are today, perhaps only hoping or acting with wrong intentions.
You reflect on it all knowing it is all firmly in the past. There is nothing there for you besides things past, if it was meant to stay it would still be here today without the need for grasping on to it.
What is it you want? do you know? can you know? You can know that it will be something similar to that which you once had but that same thing isn’t wanted the same way anymore.
Now you must trust that reaching through the darkness may lead to something alike that very thing which ignited your burning desire but this entails burnin the deadwood which weighs you down and gives you the feeling of heaviness.